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제목 위니캇의 정신분석학4강- 참자기 거짓자기
작성자 박성만
작성일자 2020-02-28
조회수 8705

우리말에서 거짓말은 새빨간 거짓말과 새하얀 거짓말이 있다. 전자는 터무니없는 거짓말로서 악의가 있는 것이고, 후자는 뻔히 속이 드러나는 거짓말로 악의가 없다. 가량 “나는 너를 사랑해”가 새빨간 거짓말이면 사랑을 가장하여 상대를 속이고 자신의 욕구를 채우려는 것이고, 하얀 거짓말이면 상대가 기분 좋으라고 살짝 속여 주는 거다. 둘 다 기분 나쁘지만 새빨간 거짓말이 더 나쁘고 상대에게 치명적 침해를 주기도 한다.


도날드 위니캇은 아동이 자신을 돌봐주는 환경이 아닌 경우에, 상대로부터 돌봄과 관심을 받기 위해서 쓰는 방어기제로 “거짓자기(false self)”를 들었다. 거짓자기는 “환경에 순응하는 자기”로 상대에게 맞추는 것을 목적으로 한다. 사회생활이 상대에게, 특히 상사에게는 맞추면서 하는 것이 일반이지만 그 정도에 따라 병리적인 방어도 있다. “나는 너를 사랑해”를 생각해 보자. 사랑하는 감정이 들기도 하지만, 상대의 기분을 맞추기 위해서도 “사랑해”라는 말을 쓴다. 영화 “해어화”의 엔딩음악 주제는 “사랑은 거짓말”이다. 나는 이 영화에 대한 촌평을 하면서 사랑은 거짓말에서부터 새 출발한다는 말을 한 적이 있다. 어디까지 새빨간 거짓말이고 어디까지 새하얀 거짓말인가?


나는 위니캇의 거짓자기 개념을 “DAS는 MB 것”과 연결시켜 설명해 보겠다. 다스가 MB 것이라는 정황은 검찰조사과정에서 거의 밝혀졌고, 검찰도 혐의 입증에 자신한다. MB법정에서는 그의 측근들이 증인으로 나와서“DAS는 MB 것”이라고 증언했다고 한다. DAS는 MB 것”은 국민적 관심이고 상당히 많은 국민들이 그럴 것으로 믿는다. 그러나 대법원 최종심이 내려지지 않은 상황에서는 장담할 수 없으니 “DAS는 MB 것”이라는 가정 하에 위니캇의 거짓자기 개념을 설명해 보겠다. 거짓자기와는 달리 참자기(true self)는 공격성이 통합된 “나는 ~이다”라는 존재감을 말하나, 본 글의 주제는 아니다.


거짓자기의 뿌리는 만3세 이전으로 거슬러 올라간다. 가령 엄마가 아이에게 애정을 주지 못하거나, 엄마가 아닌 조부모 혹은 대리모에게 키워진다거나, 너무 일찍 엄마 품을 나와 어린이집에 가야하는 상황이하면, 아이는 관심 받는 아이가 되기 위하여 어른이 좋아하는 짓을 한다. 엄마의 뜻에 맞추기, 조부모에게 칭찬받는 아이가 되기, 대리모의 눈치 살피기, 동생 잘 데리고 놀기, 공부 잘 하기, 기타 어른이 좋아하는 것을 알아서 잘하기, 이렇게 일찍 철드는 것은 아이의 주체적 행동이 아니라 상황에 순응하는 행위이다. 위니캇은 이를 거짓자기라고 했고, 5단계로 설명했다. 생애초기에 형성된 거짓자기방어는 성인의 인격에 그대로 드러난다.

1.극단적인 경우

거짓자기가 참자기를 대신한다. 즉, 가짜가 진짜를 대신한다. 감정이 필요한 상황을 이성으로 대체한다. 겉모습은 잘 꾸미기에 대외적 형식적 인간관계는 잘 하는 것 같으나 친한 친구가 거의 없다. 그의 거짓 인격은 가까운 관계에서 무정한 사람으로 탄로 난다. “텅 빈 소라껍질”같다고 했다. 겉은 단단해 보이나 속은 공허하다는 것이다.


MB: “다스가 내 것이라는 사실은 나도 알아. 그러나 다스가 내 것이 아닌 것이 진실이야. 나에게는 다스가 내 것이지만, 대외적으로 다스는 내 것이 아니야. 내가 다스의 주요 인사권과 재정권을 다 쥐고 있지만, 다스는 내 것이 진짜 아니야. 다스를 내 것이라고 하는 사람들은 다 새빨간 거짓장이야. 다스는 내 것이 아니야. 아니란 말이야. 절대! 대법원 최종심에서 다스는 내 것이라고 해도, 국민 모두가 그렇게 믿어도 다스는 여전히 내 것이 절대 아니야.”


2.덜 극단적인 경우

거짓자기에 의해 보호된 참자기는 잠재적으로 존재한다. 이 거짓자기의 특징은 비밀스러운 인격의 형태로 나타난다. 좀처럼 자신을 드러내지 않아 비밀의 숲에 사는 것 같은 사람, 자기만의 신비에 갇혀 밖으로 나오지 못하는 사람들이 여기에 속한다.


MB: “다스는 내 것이야. 그러나 나는 다스를 내 것이 아니고, 내 것이 아닌 것도 아닌 것처럼 처신해야 해. 사람들에게 다스라는 실체 자체를 비밀로 하는 거야. 그러기 위해서 나라는 존재자체도 비밀스럽게 해야 해. 그것은 불가능하겠지만, 전혀 불가능하지는 않아. 나를 비밀 혹은 신비 속에 가두는 일, 이것은 내가 제일 즐기는 처세술이야. 나는 이런 처세술로 고 정주영 회장에게 맞추어 성공했으나, 나의 참모들에게는 나를 절대 드러내지는 않아. 나는 지금도 다스를 내 것이면서 내 것이 아닌 것으로 만들어 이 난관에서 빠져나올 궁리를 하고 있어.”


3.건강을 향해 열려있는 경우

거짓자기는 참자기가 제 능력을 발휘하도록 돕는다. 그러나 참자기는 취약한 상태에 있어, 모욕을 견디는 힘이 부족하다. 참자기가 모욕을 당하면, 견딜 수 없어서 거짓자기는 자살을 시도함으로 참자기도 거짓자기도 다 파괴시켜 버린다.


MB: “다스는 내 것이 맞아. 나의 고민은 어떻게 법망을 피해서 이 사실을 고백하느냐에 있어. 대통령이었던 내가 범법자라면 사람들은 얼마나 크게 실망하겠어. 있는 그대로 털어놓으면 많은 손실을 각오해야 해. 어떤 선택도 최선도 차선도 아니니 너무 힘들어. 차라리 죽음을 선택해 이 모든 고민을 없애버릴까. 내게는 사느냐 죽느냐 이것이 문제야. 나는 왜 일을 여기까지 몰고 왔는지 자신이 원망스럽다. 나는 참과 거짓, 이 양자 사이를 오가는 곤고한 사람이야.”

 

4.보다 건강을 향해 있은 경우

거짓자기는 동일시 위에 세워진다. 자기가 존경하거나 되고 싶은 사람을 본받으려 흉내 내며 그런 사람이 되는 자질을 키우는 단계이다.


MB: “나는 정주영 회장을 존경해. 나는 그분처럼 뛰어난 경영주가 되고 싶어. 다스? 한 때의 욕심이 나를 그렇게 만든 거야. 나는 고 주영 회장의 당당함을 배워 다스는 내 것이라고 당당히 털어놓겠어. 나의 엄청난 돈으로 장학재단을 만들어 사회에 헌납하겠어. 뒤로는 정치적 타협을 모색하겠지만 치사하게 굴지는 않겠어. 나는 더 이상 속이면서 살고 싶지 않아. 남은 생은 정직하게 살고 싶어. 그러나 불안해.”

5.건강한 경우

거짓자기는 자기의 감정을 숨기고 사회적 태도를 갖추는 능력으로 사용된다. 참자기로만 살기에는 세상은 너무 거칠다. 거짓자기는 인격의 전면에서 참자기를 보호한다. 그러나 삶의 주체는 참자기이다.


MB: “나의 결정을 막 지마. 다스는 내 욕심이 만든 나의 치욕이야. 내게는 여전히 불안이 있지만, 나는 다스와 다스를 통해서 축척한 모든 재산을 사회에 기부하겠어. 대통령을 지낸 사람으로 그런 부도덕한 과오를 범한 것을 일생동안 참회하면서 살겠어. 나는 대국민 사과담화문을 발표할 거야. 나는 진심으로 뉘우치는 심정으로 나의 변호는 국선 변호사에게 맡기겠어. 그리고 1심 재판에 승복할 것이고 고등/대법원은 포기하겠어. 나는 나의 특별사면을 믿지만, 그것을 자랑스럽게 생각하지는 않을 거야. 나는 지금 매우 힘든 시간을 보내고 있으나, 언젠가는 내 능력으로 사회에 기여할 수 있는 시간이 오리라 믿어.”


*MB서울 시장 시절의 신앙 간증을 들은 바가 있다. 그리고 그의 자서전인 신화 같은 이야기 “신화는 없다”를 간증에 종합하면서, MB에게 모성결핍의 흔적을 봤다. 그리고 그 분의 성공담은 곧 도날드 위니캇의 참자기와 거짓자기의 갈등 역사처럼 보였다.

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